I Could Have Swallowed You!: Offspring from Hell Movies for Mother’s Day
There are women who are going to be showered with gifts and love today. And then there are women who have opted not to have kids and from time to time people try to make them feel guilty about their decision. Or maybe you have kids and they are just working on your last nerve. And you sit and think, what was I thinking?
This movie list is for them. The worst kids ever to grace the movie screen. If you don’t have kids you can sit and watch these movies and feel good in your decision. If you do have kids you can watch kids worst than your own brat. Whichever way it is, enjoy the list and all the mothers have a happy others day!
5. Raisin in the Sun—It was a Broadway hit in 1959 and became a movie starring Sidney Poitier in 1961. Almost 50 years later as a Broadway revival hit and made for TV movie both starring Sean Combs, it had tongues talking again. But I have always had trouble with the Walter Lee Younger character. I find it hard to be sympathetic with a character who takes the remainder of his deceased father’s pension money—money his widowed mother was using to pay for college for her daughter and buy a house in the suburbs so they could flee frome the tenement they live in—and instead of paying what he needs to, Walter invests it in a fly-by-night scheme and ends up losing the money. Through most of the play Walter stomps around talking about how he has dreams and doesn’t feel like a man. It’s because of these feelings of inadequacy and selfishness that he nearly ends his mother’s dream of retiring and moving to the ‘burbs. I give this movie 2 ½ belts that Mama Younger should have used on Walters behind.
4. Imitation of Life –I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t watched this movie and cried. The story is about two mothers, one white and one black who each have a daughter and the problems that go along with them. The white mother and daughter have problems because the mother becomes a Broadway star and doesn’t have time for her child but the real draw of the movie is the strife between the black mother and daughter. The daughter is light enough to pass for white and whenever her chocolate, mammy looking black mother comes around she wants to die. Invariably during the movie she gets caught passing whenever her mother comes around; she even works in a house of burlesque to try to gain independence from her mother and her blackness but her mother loves her so much that she keeps coming around to make sure she’s okay and to express her love and which each proclamation the daughter just scorns her mother. Finally at the end of the movie, when the mother is dead and gone and Mahalia Jackson is singing the song as the casket is being rolled to the graveyard the daughter finally realizes all the wrong she had done to her mother and how she should have accepted her love.
This movie gets 3 ½ belts for the Judas like behavior of Sarah Jane. When you need a good cry this is the movie to watch.
3. Village of the Damned –I could watch this movie on a 24 hour rotation and still not get enough but only the 1960 version, which is the best version. The movie begins with several different cities around the world experiencing a somnambulism for day or two with the women and girls waking up to realize they are pregnant. The movie focuses on one town in England, where a married couple named Zellaby are definitely shocked to discover that the wife is pregnant since she is barren. As the babies are born all around the same time it’s odd to see how similar the babies look. Gordon Zellaby has been able to bond to the child, although he had his doubts but his wife Anthea and the baby were never able to bond ever since she accidentally gave the infant a bottle of milk that was too warm and the baby David tried to melt her brain. Ever since then David and his mother had a strained relationship, with him trying to hang out with his other blond friends and take over the world and she trying to give him love. Throughout the rest of the movie I Anthea feared him and rightly so.
This movie gets no belts; its not smart to beat a child that can melt your brain with just a thought. Just run: run hard, run fast, run far and don’t look back.
2. The Bad Seed –If Hollywood has taught us anything its that tow headed children are of the debil. This time in the Bad Seed, the girl looks just as freaky with the blonde hair but at least she’s just one instead of one as many. But she’s just as dangerous as the kids from the village because the 8 year old is a craven sociopath. The mother first comes to realize her little darling was capable of murder when a classmate goes missing and her little darling was the last one seen with him. After some cajoling she discovers that her daughter killed her classmate for an award. She didn’t mean it, she had to because he wouldn’t give it to her. Motherly instincts kick in and she vows to protect her daughter but then realizes her angel killed the old woman who lived up stairs. Again, her little girl didn’t mean it, she had to push the old woman down the stairs to get the brooch the woman promised to her when she died. The death count rises to at least three people before the mother decided to do something about it.
This movie gets four belts and some tough love parenting classes for the mom with some old school black mothers.
And my all time embattled mother with badass children movie is:
1. Mildred Pierce — Mildred is a mother who wants her children to have everything she didn’t when she was growing up. Vowing to push her children into middle class and beyond she puts them in dance and music classes and takes on the neighborhood washing and baking for women. Her philandering husband is jealous of the love and affection Mildred showers her children and after a big blow out he leaves, leaving Mildred to make ends meet alone. Mildred stumbles upon a waitress job but keeps it to herself, knowing her saditty oldest daughter Veda would be ashamed of her because of it. All during the struggle the youngest child dies of pneumonia and Mildred goes from waiting tables to owning her own restaurant. She even meets a dashing man from old school money who is broke but she can give her the social standing she knows her teen daughter craves. Throughout the movie the daughter goes around looking down her nose at her mother for her career but still takes the money her mother earns. She fakes a pregnancy to marry a rich young man and then extorts money from his family to get a divorce from him. She even verbally downgrades her mother and slaps her but that isn’t even the worst of it. Even through it all Mildred tries to do what’s best for her daughter and almost goes to jail for her. That’s some mother love for you.
This movie gets four belt and an ordered beating for Veda Pierce until she says her name is Toby.
So while everyone else is watching sad movies like “I Remember Mama” and disgruntled kids are viewing “Mommy Dearest” for the umpteenth time you can sit through the Offspring from Hell movie marathon and affirm why pets are superior to children.