Sardonic Sistah Says

Observations… Ruminations… Ponderances… & Rants from Another Perspective

War Between the Genders: Same Old Same Old

with 2 comments

In the world of dating no one wants someone that no one else wants.  That’s just how it goes.  It’s not fair –it pretty much sucks– but I can tell you that when I was single it seemed as if  no one glanced my way but as soon as I was in a committed relationship suddenly I was the overlook diamond in the rough.   Once, when I was in college, a guy had his sister come up to me to introduce him and she spoke glowingly of him.  He was cute, too, but I was in a relationship already.

When dating it’s feast or famine.

It’s a notion that strikes me as I read Jimi Izrael’s blog on his future supposition that he may one day date a white female –that is, when he starts to date again.  He prefaces his position with, “because there aren’t as many eligible black women out there as Essence magazine would have you believe.”

And the women are mad and insulted.  They wrote that they wonder where are all the good black men, accuse him of slamming black women and a couple throw in some stereotypes of black men. 

What really got me were the women who admitted that black men paid them no attention but they were still devoted to black men anyway.

“If i (sic) didn’t prefer brown skin,” writes a woman calling herself Be On It. “I would surely date non-black men because I have been treated way better by them, hands down.”

So for many, what makes a person a viable mate is not what is on the inside but the color of skin.  They are even willing to martyr themselves on the cross of celibacy to prove to black men that they are loyal to them. 

Are black men willing to do the same?  No, but it appears that they will beat themselves up over their choices. 

Joseph Williams of the Boston Globe was the catalyst for Izrael’s article.  As a nerdy black man who doesn’t get much play from the sistas he still feels conflicted about dating white women.  When attending a speed dating event in his area he noticed the lack of black women in attendance.   When he asked the organizers they said they have thrown a few in the past but had to stop because of the lack of black male participants.

The response seemed to confirm an uncomfortable stereotype, something I’d heard from nearly every lonely African-American woman I know. It’s harder than ever to find the love they want, the lament goes, because black men with options — men like me — would rather date white women.

Boston Globe, 14 Dec 2008

So, if black men have options and black women have waning prospects then where does that leave them?  I guess it depends on the women who decide to expand their horizons.  But then victimhood is more appealing.


Written by rentec

29 December, 2008 at 2:44 am

2 Responses

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  1. Physical attraction is what initially draws people together. I’m a sista engaged to a brotha. Before I was in a committed relationship, I’ve had a few white men approach me, to my chagrin. I’ve never been attracted to white men. Caucasian features, i.e. hair, skin color (or lack thereof), hair texture, while not repulsive to me, were and are not attractive in the least. So bottom line for me was, if a man wasn’t physically appealing to my tastes, he stood no chance with me. In addition, there was little or nothing a white man had in common with me.

    But more important…I truly believe that AA men and AA women who love, MARRY and have children together, is a positive to the Black Community. Intact, two parent Black households can only strenghten our communities, and us as a people.

    Even if I had been attracted to caucasians, I would NEVER have married one…I might have
    messed around with one, done some freaky sh*t with one…but MARRYING one?? Having him be a part of MY family?? Having babies with him?? OUT of the question.

    I am in love with the brotha I’m marrying, and plan on having children with him. Solid families are in the best interest of our community. You see, it’s not all about me…it’s about the betterment of all of us in the Black Community. And every AA man and woman who marries and successfully raises children within that union, only serves to strengthen the Black Community.


    29 December, 2008 at 6:43 pm

  2. Congratulations to you and your engagement. My point above was not that there aren’t AfAm men marrying AfAm women, but that in black women’s willingness to overlook other men that they give power to AfAm males over their love life.

    You have found someone and that is good, but if other lonely women 35+ are still using the unseasoned criteria of color and physical attraction as a preliminary in the selection of a mate then I guess their choice to be alone (and perhaps childless) is their contribution to the black community. Black men aren’t making the same decisions and therefore have a larger selection of women.

    Solid families in the black community is optimal, but in all my years of living black on black love has not been the panacea for the black community that many black women keep saying that it is.


    30 December, 2008 at 4:36 am

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